Real Oppotalk

"TheJWT" (thejwt) 01/28/2016 at 22:00 • Filed to: None

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I hate writing personal posts, but I figure like one a year isn’t too bad.

There’s this girl I like, and have liked for as long as I’ve been in college. Nothing special there, I know, but for like the first two years, I was in a relationship with someone in my home state of Ohio, so I obviously didn’t do anything about it.

So last semester, we worked together in our main class (design), and it went extremely well. We got archived as the best project in our class, and we really started becoming best friends as we worked together. We tried working together this semester also, but unfortunately we got put into different design studios. I still consider her one of my best friends, and I’m sure we’ll work together again in the future, but now I’m thinking about asking her out. The only thing I’m really worried about is losing her as a friend, regardless of what her answer is, since we’ve been friends for almost 3 years now.

I’m obviously not gonna go out and do whatever the popular consensus here is, I just want some outside opinions.

scoob > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:04

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Are you close with any of her friends?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:06

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I don’t know...

TheJWT > scoob 01/28/2016 at 22:06

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Not really, I say hi to her roommate when I see her but that’s about it

Mercedes Streeter > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:06

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Well I’ve been on both sides of this. :P On one hand, asking her out may be the best decision you ever make.

On the other hand, depending on who she is, asking her out may make her distance herself from you.

So weigh your options. I would say: Ask her out to something casual. Go out for coffee, go for a walk, something really light. And depending on how the meet goes, go on from there! :)

CB > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:07

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After watching two of my best friends stumble around with feelings for each other for three years until they finally got their shit together and started dating two weeks ago, go for it.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:09

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go do it! No guts no glory

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:10

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Went for it when I was in college. Flamed out BAD for like a day......but we talked it out and remained friends. I had to force myself to get back out there and she was mindful about some......casualness things she used to do before. Hate to sound like a sitcom but she had on rare occasions walked out of her room in underwear to go to the dryer or something (oh, I should mention I lived with her........learn from my msitake - DON’T DO THAT!) but she was mindful for a while and we gave each other some space while things settled back to normal. If you’re that good of friends with her, I don’t think it’ll get ruined. And if you have a “I want to be romantic with you or nothing” mentality? Then be prepared to live it. That’s the only way the friendship gets ruined - you tell yourself “I don’t *really* want to be romantic with her” but you do. THen that breeds resentment and bad things in yoru head and you fuck yourself over. Don’t do that.

Besides, college is weird. You might be on different paths when you graduate anyways. GO for it and cross bridges as you get to them. And if it all blows up, you can laugh about it later.

TheJWT > Mercedes Streeter 01/28/2016 at 22:12

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That’s the thing, we already go to restaurants together every once in a while; we’re really close friends. I’m really afraid of the second scenario, I don’t want to grow apart

XJDano > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:12

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I was friends with my girlfriend’s best friend. We got along and when my girlfriend eventually left we stayed friends off and on, then 2 years later we started dating, and been married 6 years in March.

I think it was great being friends first, you already know a lot about them. But she may just want to be friends. You may be better off as just friends, but you won't know unless you go for it.

djmt1 > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:13

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To quote my dad at McDonalds, “You don’t ask, you don’t get”. and that is how I got 2 sausage patties with my big breakfast meal and I’ve been happy for many breakfasts ever since. So do you wish to have many happy breakfasts?

TheJWT > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 01/28/2016 at 22:20

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Good advice. Thanks, man

Master Cylinder > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:21

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I was in a similar situation back when I was in undergrad. Ended up making a move and now we’ve been married for a few years.

No guarantees, of course, but once you have those feelings, the friendship has already been fundamentally altered. My advice would be to go for it. If you never do you may regret it, and if you get shot down you still have a chance at staying friends, though it will definitely be awkward for a while.

Xyl0c41n3 > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:22

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Being so close, you must have some idea if the feelings are mutual. If you think they might be, there’s no shame in asking her to sit down for a conversation and talking about it.

If you don't think the feelings are mutual, then just keep doing what you're doing, which is remaining good friends.

El Rivinado > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:22

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Well, I’m in a similar situation. The only difference is, that she's got a boyfriend. It's difficult to live with, but unlike me, you have the advantage. I say, go for it, otherwise if you keep asking what could've been in your head, you're going to be worse off than if you did ask and struck out.

TheJWT > djmt1 01/28/2016 at 22:23

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I wouldn’t say no to one

Mercedes Streeter > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:26

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Mmmmm okay then, so you can’t really do the “ease into it kinda” thing because you two are so close.

So in this case, I’d come straight out with it. Ask her out on a date. If you two are this close, chances may be in your favour that she already wants to be more. Idk, it can go any way. Just confirm if she has a boyfriend before you do anything. :)

TheJWT > Xyl0c41n3 01/28/2016 at 22:27

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I honestly don’t know if she’s into me, but I was driving with her and my roommate earlier, and my roommate later said we sounded like a teenage couple the whole time.

TheJWT > Master Cylinder 01/28/2016 at 22:28

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Thanks, and congrats haha!

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:29

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No prob.

TheJWT > Mercedes Streeter 01/28/2016 at 22:29

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I know her well enough to know she’s single haha

Thanks for the advice!

jdmrookie > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:30

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If you both mutually consider each other as bestfriends then nothing will change even if she says no. This is from personal experience confessing to a best friend of 8 years. Best of luck!

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Xyl0c41n3 01/28/2016 at 22:33

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^^ This. Seriously, just talk to her about it. She might feel the same way. If not, you got it out of the way and as long as you continue to be a good friend and respectful and don’t feel like she wronged you for it, everything will be cool. I’m very good friends with several girls who I have very strong feelings for. They know it, but it doesn’t matter. I care about them as people and they do me. Just don’t be weird about it. She might dig you. She might not. She might feel like it could happen if there was something different in the circumstances, which is an awkward grey area that is the only thing that counts as “friendzoned,” but it’s best just to be friends, care about her, occasionally (ie -not every time you meet[maybe I should have said rarely and when appropriate?]) give her flirty eyes to remind her that you’re there, and let her decide if/when. Maybe reapproach it at some point if you still feel the same way (months or maybe a year down the road), but don’t let it become an obsession or a focus. If you care about her (and it seems like you do), just respect that she’s her own person with her own desires and you not fitting into that is no reflection on you or anything wrong with you.

TheJWT > El Rivinado 01/28/2016 at 22:35

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Ouch, sorry to hear that:(

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Mercedes Streeter 01/28/2016 at 22:40

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In my experience, no one has a problem with being admired by someone they might admire in other ways. I’ve openly professed my feelings for the friends of mine that I care about and it’s never been an issue. More often than not, they’ve actually been flattered and we’ve become closer as friends even when the feelings haven’t been entirely mutual. Often times I was so afraid of being inappropriate or uncouth that they didn’t even realize how highly I thought of them and it’s not uncommon that that aspect of friendship is mutual. It sort of cleared the brush in some ways and let us just be friends.

E92M3 > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 22:46

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You can either go for it, or wait and let someone else ask her out. Eventually that guy may tell her he doesn’t want her hanging out with friends of the opposite sex. What I’m saying is you could not ask, and still end up losing her as a friend. Go with your gut!

TheJWT > E92M3 01/28/2016 at 22:47

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Very true!

Mercedes Streeter > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 01/28/2016 at 23:00

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In my experience (this was when I was presenting male), it was always as soon as I asked them out, they ghosted on me and completely stopped talking to me. Pretty much all of them never to be seen again.

Only in two cases have I asked out someone and they became my besties instead. And even more ironically, they were the only two people to stay true friends after I came out!! Ha, it is funny to think that I tried to take my best friend to Homecoming. :)

TractorPillow > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 23:04

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Just go for it. Seriously, not worth the constant self kicking that comes with never asking. I've had both rejection and acceptance from these scenarios, but regardless of answer, it's always a relief.

JGrabowMSt > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 23:06

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Well, Ill make this easy for you.

Youre describing exactly what happened to me in college. I was dating someone else far away, worked really well with someone else, ended up having a miserable second relation with a different girl, and long story short, that girl I worked with? We’ve been together for 3+ years. Im pretty sure you met her. Shes the one.

Go with your gut. Be honest and be clear that you want her as your best friend. If she says no, hold your head up high, and respect it, as a best friend would. If she says yes, you’ll start writing the next chapter of life.

Im here about to order a set of round things, you never know where things may end up.

TheJWT > JGrabowMSt 01/28/2016 at 23:16

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Thanks a ton man. I think this is what I was subconsciously wanting to hear from someone other than myself.

And dude... seriously congrats! I think I met your girlfriend the first time we actually met at C&C. I remember thinking you two seemed really good together.

JGrabowMSt > TheJWT 01/28/2016 at 23:23

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Collectively, our only regret is not getting together sooner. Like, a couple of years sooner. Like life, we have our ups and downs, but the biggest thing to remember is that the ups and downs dont define your relationship, its how well you work through it together. Youve got the groundwork there, where it goes from here is up to you.

C&C isnt far away, maybe convince her to tag along!

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Mercedes Streeter 01/29/2016 at 00:03

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Maybe it’s the way you did it. How close were you before propositioning them? Did you flat out ask them out, or did you make it clear that you’re asking them out because you admire and appreciate them as a person and want to find out more? You’re also still in high school, or very recently graduated correct? Things are different then and people grow very quickly. It’s never been an issue for me, but I didn’t start talking about it until later when I knew exactly what my feelings were.

Mercedes Streeter > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 01/29/2016 at 01:31

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I honestly have no idea what or if I did anything wrong. I do know that I was faaaar from a confident guy, so I was incredibly socially awkward. And the dates I did get to go on were incredibly uncomfortable. This was mainly because I have never felt comfortable being the “guy” of a relationship. I just felt so out of place.

And as such, if I did make it to the dating stage, they would usually (95% of the time) break it off by telling me that they were looking for a man, and I was too much of a girlfriend to them. Boy, I really should have realized this stuff sooner xD

I’ve been called a “fedora wearer” by Feminist communities because of my dating past. I mean yeah, I would agree, but only if you ignore the fact of who is telling the story...so no.

My dating life after beginning my transition has been so much better. The first was a guy I met who used me to get a one night stand. Ugh, fine, whatever.

My second was the beautiful and wonderful woman who would become my lovely Miss Tesla <3 My first real relationship and one that’s going 11 months strong! <3

zeontestpilot > TheJWT 01/29/2016 at 06:24

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Girls are hard to figure out and mysterious, although I think that’s part of the allure honestly.

I married my best friend. We met at summer camp and kept in contact via MySpace and AIM (man I now feel old). She was crazy for me, but I wasn’t for her. It wasn’t until my then-current girlfriend messily broke up with me, that I realize my not-at-the-moment-wife was my best friend. Things grew out of that. So strange things can happen.

fourvalleys > TheJWT 01/29/2016 at 09:25

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I’m trying not going to give you advice, but you should really give the video below a watch. Bottom line is - if you’re really interested, it’s tough to be truly happy with just being friends. If you go for it, you might lose the friendship... but like I just said, you were going to have a tough time being happy with that friendship anyway.

The video’s a little dumb, but it’s got a good message - don’t waste your time with someone who isn’t interested. You can still have friends of the opposite sex, just don’t torture yourself because you want a relationship. It’s just not worth the time.

e: You can still be friends if she’s not interested in a relationship. You just have to accept that you’re friends and it probably won’t be anything more than that. You probably won’t “win her over” if you ask her out and she says no. I think that’s a tough thing for people to accept sometimes, and that’s why it can ruin the friendship.

TheJWT > fourvalleys 01/29/2016 at 12:33

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I’ll watch it when I get off work today, thanks!